On June 23rd 2000 an blah, blah, blah, one of my favorite nephews was born to my sister. I recall my sister getting “What to expect when you’re expecting” as most first time mothers do. It is the supposable bible of childbirth. I recall reading trough it out of teenaged curiosity. I had already taken health class and seen the dreaded child birth video. Child birth was not totally foreign to me but this book had a lot of information and details that was not exactly taught in public school. Reading it at that age I felt this was border line a text book. this must have been everything that happen. No more, no less. Ultimately the most life changing births of course would be that of my children. The book what to expect appeared in my life once again with the pregnancy of my firstborn son Langston. We sought out its wisdom and found that not only did they have it for pregnancy but also for the different development stages. Surely this must be gospel truth. It was studied and this time more of it made sense and also disturbed me. There was the build up and bench marks of the trimesters and baby growth, but the ending made it seem like all would be ok soon after. The biggest fear was tearing or having to have and episiotomy. Everything about that seemed just like a hard thing to deal with and would slow the healing process. My first born arrived in the world via the “modern age of medicine”. Our actual doctor didn’t deliver the baby. Hell the back up didn’t even deliver. We eventually ended up with the head of delivery, which would sound like a good thing. WRONG! He basically came in and sewed her up. Cracked a joke with my mother in law. Proceeded to flirt with her. Cracked yet another inappropriate joke and left. Now for guys new to this, or people who do not have kids yet, I’m about to rock your world. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m just about to go over what they don’t tell you. What they do tell you is scary enough and most of the time true. Like.
Will she poop herself? Probably.
Did it happen? Yes.
Did I see it? Yes.
Can I un- see it? Hell no!
But that is not that bad. It’s what the ass holes neglect to tell you in the book is what really needs to be known. So here we go. The beautiful mother of you child is going to be a full on mess. This is only for a month or two or until you guys get a good schedule. If she is breast feeding I will be the first to let you know chapped nipples can be a thing. Dry, cracked, raw, and bruised nipples can happen. The major suck factor is, it’s not much you can do besides hand her some ointment and a boob chiller. In the hospital, as much as you may be urged to get some rest and send that little bundle of joy back to the nursery. DON”T DO IT! This is the time to learn your baby. Bond with he/she. When you get home there is no nurse there to take the baby. We dropped the ball on that with my first son. The night we got him home was the second worst night ever. He screamed and cried and we had no idea what we were doing. We even called back up the nurse in the hospital for tips. It was a text book new parents first night. I know they say there is no manual that comes with your kid, but they have a damn good assembly book. Where was the chapters on this? On top of all this new life, and in some cases sleep deprivation. Your partners down stairs mix up is totally wrecked
and you may need to help her with flushing. Not flushing the toilet but setting up the mattress sized pad she is going to be wearing in those fish net looking granny panties. You ladies know what I’m talking about. She will also be taking something called a sits bath. Run your baby some mild bath water in the hospital pan bucket thing they sent you home with. None of this was in the dang book. None. She also is probably having bad gas as well so invest in candles. Yes it was tough pill to swallow but in the end it was not that bad. It wont be that bad for you either. I even had a second son in what we thought was going to be a natural child birth. (See The Birth of Bubba) Child birth is where you find out how much you will do for love. All parties involved have to swallow all pride and let go of ego. You learn to give help as well as receive it. I believe all the stuff they don’t put in the book is necessary. These are flames that will force you into a family. We need this trial by fire to bring us close together and bond as a true unit. Don’t let the many unknowns place fear in your heart. Understand that bringing a life in this world will change yours in very drastic ways. The first wave will be the most intense. But you learn and grow together. Plans change, people change, but the child you went trough hell for is worth it. They are the reason. We all have chapters that we could add to the book of unknown. That’s what bonds us together as parents. We have all been there and we get excited when others take that plunge. We want them to know it all. The good. The bad. The down right scary.
Love is what you expect when you are expecting. Unfiltered, organic, raw and real. So forget the books. Ok just that book really. There are a lot of holistic and natural birth books that has better information. Talk to your friends, other new parents. They are wealth of knowledge and support. Call it a special parent club and as soon as you have a bun in the oven you are in.