In our home filled with boys you better get used to farts, burps, high pitched screams, and snot rockets. As dad I blame a lot of farts on everyone, the baby included. No one is safe. A while back I was putting my oldest to bed after a night filled with wrestling. Needless to say he was not thrilled to be going to bed because he was having so much fun rolling with dad. Finally a line had to be drawn because the Walking Dead was about to come on. So I used my secret weapon and released a deadly vortex of methane gas. In his face. Even I did not know the force and odor that would follow would be so foul. Well it was pretty bad and I’m not sure if his eyes were watering or if he started to cry, but tears were present. I was immediately reported to mom. I tried to explain as she herself has dealt out some life altering gut potpourri. She assured him that he would be able to get me back. I laughed as he almost sharted his pj’s trying to get me back. Some weeks later we found ourselves on the couch watching a TV show. My guard was down and his stinky revenge was not on my mind. I figured he forgot. How wrong I was. As he stood to walk to the kitchen he paused at just the perfect moment. My mouth wide open entranced in the show, it happened. There was a light pop and an odor poured fourth like I have never smelled come out of a small bodied child. He got me, and good too.
Now my first born Langston has always smelled like a grown man who eats cabbage when he farts. He just never tells you he farted. He is crown prince of the crop dust. Duke of the Dutch oven, Hercules of the hot box.
The only hint you get besides your nose hairs burning is his smile. I don’t start wars with him because the force is strong with him. To keep the peace as any good father, I passed on the art of arm farts to them. This is a safe and controlled smell free flatulence that can be very fun. Michael has even graduated to leg farts. I didn’t even know that was possible but he made it happen.
Don’t worry I am not going to spend this whole time writing about farts. Boogers and snot play a key role in our house too. We all dig for the golden nugget because using tissue is totally impractical and you know it. When was the last time you pulled out a keeper with some tissue? The answer is never. The thing is as you grow older you become more refined and smooth when you do it. You find, look, flick. Some of you nasty people roll it around on your finger. I’ve seen you and it’s disgusting stop doing that. But the one thing that really gets my gut churning in eating them. The number one offender was Michael. He said he only ate his because he likes how he tastes. I don’t want to even think of how he came to that conclusion. After begging, pleading, and vigilant watching he is cured. But for a long time it seemed hopeless. Germs mean nothing to kids the only thing I can tell you is persistence. You can’t really gross out a five year old anyway. I have a country family that just happens to be stuck in the city. Langston spits cause I spit. My wife spits and the baby is slowly learning at one how to spit. If not he just wipes his snot on you. Word to the wise don’t wear black and hold him.
Now some of you may be appalled by the fact that our kids say things like fart head, booty head and run around spitting. You shouldn’t. It is reserved for home and it is okay to be silly in our safe space. Yeah I said safe space. Our home is a safe space and you are allowed to have fun and be silly as long as it is within the rules. There is a time and a place for all the things. We have just learned the best place to have controlled wildness is home. I have had to adapt some of my four letter nouns to be much more family friendly. Daddy worked in kitchens and on construction sites so “oh darn” is not the popular catch phrase. We have fun when daddy says aw poop skillets when things happens and fart nuggets at other times. It hurts no one and gives an alternative to swearing when you are around children. Hey fart head usually signals the start of wrestling match with the boys and is all in good fun. This is not exclusive for boys only. Yes you may want the perfect little lady but trust me you want one that can hold her own in this male industry dominated world. I know two little angels that can climb trees with the toughest of them. Skin knees, spit, and shoot snot rockets with the best of them. With a flip of a switch they can sing as sweet as angels with all the poise of a princess.
The world has enough sheltered powder puff kids. Allow your kids certain freedoms. Let them be gross and joke with them. So what if your kid eats his boogers eventually they will stop. Call him booger lips until then. Have fun with it. Show them how to spit with the wind and not into it. Fart in the car and lock the windows on them! Lighten up and have fun. You fart and you have boogers just like they do and so does every other human. Your kids love you for that and you love them too.